Post by dreggnog on Jul 28, 2009 23:06:56 GMT
JAMES AND PYRAMID HEAD ON DR. PHIL
Audience: "PHIL! PHIL! PHIL! PHIL! PHIL!"
Dr. Phil: "Um, I'm sorry, we don't do that here. Now, today with us we have James Sunderland and Pyramid Head. Let's welcome them."
*cheering from the audience*
Dr. Phil: "Now, this couple has been having some real problems in their relationship over the past eight years, but before we get to that, can you tell us how you met?"
James: "Well, we met back in 2001 when I was in Silent Hill when I was searching for my dead wife-"
Dr. Phil: "Did you find her?"
James: "No, I didn't find her, she was dead! What kind of stupid ass question is that!? I did meet another woman there, named Maria. She was what I'd always thought I wanted, but I came to realize that she wasn't really who I wanted. Now, I met Pyramid Head around that time, and we got off to kindof a rough start, and after a big fight in the hotel lobby, he attempted suicide."
Dr. Phil: "Because he had hidden feelings of love for you and was sorry for trying to kill you, correct?"
PH: "Yes."
Dr. Phil: "James, when did you find out about these feelings."
James: "Not long before the fight when I went into his room and found a porno magazine with pictures of my head taped onto naked women's bodies."
Dr. Phil: "So you invaded the privacy of his room?"
James: "Well . . . I was kindof trying to go into any room that was unlocked at the time. Explaining the situation there would take hours."
Dr. Phil: "Well, I see we've got a lot of ground to cover. We'll be back after this commercial break."
EDIT
Dr. Phil: And we're back! Now, we have a video of some of James and Mr. Head's problems. Let's take a look."
*the scene is in the kitchen, j and ph and standing across each other*
James: "Why can't you stop being such a jealous *bleep*!?"
PH: "I know you we're thinking about Maria last time! Your eyes we're closed! Or was it that pillow you we're thinking about!?"
James: "Oh God, not the pillow again. One time! I had sex with it one time!" Is this the real reason why you killed Maria three times! It wasn't because of some metaphor or symbolism or whatever else you want to hide behind! You were just jealous of her!"
PH: "I can't do it anymore, James. I can't make love to you anymore."
James: "YOU can't make love to ME!? You've tried to kill me countless times during it!"
PH: "I'm sorry! I can't help it! The game programming tells me I'm supposed to kill you!"
James: "Why can't you pay to have it removed!?"
PH: "The surgery would cost seven hundred dollars! We just don't have that kind of money right now!"
James: "I don't feel safe with you anymore."
PH: "Fine! Go!"
James: "You want me to leave!? Fine, I'll leave! I'll pack my bags and get out of here right now!"
PH starts crying.
PH: "Please, James, not in front of the baby..."
*end of video*
An audience member stands up.
Audience member: "I'm sorry, but this is the kind of stuff I would expect from Jerry Springer. Can I just leave?"
Dr. Phil: "Umm, Mr. Head, do the arguments always end with you crying?"
PH: "Almost always, yes.
Dr. Phil: "Well, I have something to tell you that will bring you both closer together. Are you ready to hear it?"
James and Pyramid Head hold each other's hand and nod.
Dr. Phil: "Alright, then. . . . YOU TWO ARE F**KING MORONS!! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!! YOU ARE THE MOST WORTHLESS, STUPID, UNINTELLEGENT PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW!! IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ME AND MY IMPORTANCE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU WOULD COLLAPSE INTO DUST UNDER THE WEIGHT OF YOUR OWN USELESSNESS AND JUST BLOW AWAY!!"
James: "Um, Dr. Phil, you're making him upset. Don't make him upset."
Dr. Phil: "YOU'RE UGLY TOO!! DID YOU MAKE THAT HELMET OUT OF A F**KING GARBAGE CAN!!?"
Pyramid Head stands up and impales Dr. Phil on the great knife.
Audience: "PHIL! PHIL! PHIL! PHIL! PHIL!"
Dr. Phil: "Um, I'm sorry, we don't do that here. Now, today with us we have James Sunderland and Pyramid Head. Let's welcome them."
*cheering from the audience*
Dr. Phil: "Now, this couple has been having some real problems in their relationship over the past eight years, but before we get to that, can you tell us how you met?"
James: "Well, we met back in 2001 when I was in Silent Hill when I was searching for my dead wife-"
Dr. Phil: "Did you find her?"
James: "No, I didn't find her, she was dead! What kind of stupid ass question is that!? I did meet another woman there, named Maria. She was what I'd always thought I wanted, but I came to realize that she wasn't really who I wanted. Now, I met Pyramid Head around that time, and we got off to kindof a rough start, and after a big fight in the hotel lobby, he attempted suicide."
Dr. Phil: "Because he had hidden feelings of love for you and was sorry for trying to kill you, correct?"
PH: "Yes."
Dr. Phil: "James, when did you find out about these feelings."
James: "Not long before the fight when I went into his room and found a porno magazine with pictures of my head taped onto naked women's bodies."
Dr. Phil: "So you invaded the privacy of his room?"
James: "Well . . . I was kindof trying to go into any room that was unlocked at the time. Explaining the situation there would take hours."
Dr. Phil: "Well, I see we've got a lot of ground to cover. We'll be back after this commercial break."
EDIT
Dr. Phil: And we're back! Now, we have a video of some of James and Mr. Head's problems. Let's take a look."
*the scene is in the kitchen, j and ph and standing across each other*
James: "Why can't you stop being such a jealous *bleep*!?"
PH: "I know you we're thinking about Maria last time! Your eyes we're closed! Or was it that pillow you we're thinking about!?"
James: "Oh God, not the pillow again. One time! I had sex with it one time!" Is this the real reason why you killed Maria three times! It wasn't because of some metaphor or symbolism or whatever else you want to hide behind! You were just jealous of her!"
PH: "I can't do it anymore, James. I can't make love to you anymore."
James: "YOU can't make love to ME!? You've tried to kill me countless times during it!"
PH: "I'm sorry! I can't help it! The game programming tells me I'm supposed to kill you!"
James: "Why can't you pay to have it removed!?"
PH: "The surgery would cost seven hundred dollars! We just don't have that kind of money right now!"
James: "I don't feel safe with you anymore."
PH: "Fine! Go!"
James: "You want me to leave!? Fine, I'll leave! I'll pack my bags and get out of here right now!"
PH starts crying.
PH: "Please, James, not in front of the baby..."
*end of video*
An audience member stands up.
Audience member: "I'm sorry, but this is the kind of stuff I would expect from Jerry Springer. Can I just leave?"
Dr. Phil: "Umm, Mr. Head, do the arguments always end with you crying?"
PH: "Almost always, yes.
Dr. Phil: "Well, I have something to tell you that will bring you both closer together. Are you ready to hear it?"
James and Pyramid Head hold each other's hand and nod.
Dr. Phil: "Alright, then. . . . YOU TWO ARE F**KING MORONS!! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!! YOU ARE THE MOST WORTHLESS, STUPID, UNINTELLEGENT PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW!! IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ME AND MY IMPORTANCE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU WOULD COLLAPSE INTO DUST UNDER THE WEIGHT OF YOUR OWN USELESSNESS AND JUST BLOW AWAY!!"
James: "Um, Dr. Phil, you're making him upset. Don't make him upset."
Dr. Phil: "YOU'RE UGLY TOO!! DID YOU MAKE THAT HELMET OUT OF A F**KING GARBAGE CAN!!?"
Pyramid Head stands up and impales Dr. Phil on the great knife.